Parenting Gifted, Asynchronous Kids

When you hear the word gifted, what immediately pops into your head? Do you think of the straight-A student? Or, a musical prodigy? A prolific artist? A pint-sized mathematician? Do you assume that everything comes easily to a gifted child? That he has a leg up over his peers? Do you envision his mom as a tiger mom, hot-housing him from sun up ‘til sun down? Do you imagine his parents are the pushy, competitive type?

My 8-year-old son is twice-exceptional; he is profoundly gifted and learning disabled. As his mom, I’m forever frustrated by the term gifted. The label makes you think that gifted is neat and clean; it conjures images of beautifully wrapped presents with neatly tied bows. And that’s just not our reality over here. I love my son more than words could ever express but this journey has been anything but a neatly wrapped package. Instead, I’d liken it to a wild, white-knuckled, roller coaster ride. It has been messy, and loud, and fraught with worry. Why? Two words: asynchronous development.

A better definition of giftedness: Giftedness as asynchrony

The current gifted label carries with it many misconceptions and assumptions. The reality is, the social and emotional functioning of gifted children is largely ignored by the general public. I’d like to share my favorite definition of giftedness, and it is a stark contrast to that neatly wrapped present:

Giftedness is asynchronous development in which advanced cognitive abilities and heightened intensity combine to create inner experiences and awareness that are qualitatively different from the norm. This asynchrony increases with higher intellectual capacity. The uniqueness of the gifted renders them particularly vulnerable and requires modifications in parenting, teaching and counseling in order for them to develop optimally. (The Columbus Group, 1991).

While most children develop in a relatively uniform pattern, gifted children are asynchronous in their development, and the more gifted the child, the more asynchronous that child may be. Do you want to know which children are the most asynchronous of all? The twice-exceptional children, those children who are both gifted and learning disabled. Children like our son.

Many ages at once

It is often said that gifted children are “many ages at once”, they are quite literally out-of-sync. So, what does that look like, exactly? Well, let’s take a look at my little fella:

His mind – his cognitive functioning – is like that of a teenager and yet those thoughts are housed in an 8-year-old body, a body with 8-year-old emotions. In one moment, our can be extremely poised and mature, and in the next moment, he can dissolve into a mushy mess of a boy. Just think about that for a second, folks. Can you imagine the frustration he must feel?

• A toddler with epic tantrums because he could not verbally express his thoughts in a way that the adults could understand.
• A 2-year-old with significant stuttering for over a year; his thoughts were so much faster than his speech during that time.
• A dinosaur-obsessed 2-year-old who cannot sleep at night because he’s afraid that the human race will suffer mass extinction just like the dinosaurs.
• A 2-year-old terrified of death and its permanence. This fear of death carried over to a number of areas: fear of himself and others being hurt and injured, leading to intense fears and extreme caution.
• A 3-year-old asking about infinity and telling you that circles are a form of infinity.
• A 3-year-old who wants to know how the very first person came to the world and repeatedly asks, Why are we here??
• A 4-year-old who is fascinated by weather and yet terrified of weather events, such as lightning strikes, tornadoes, and tsunamis because he has read about them.
• A 4-year-old obsessed with space and yet terrified of comets, meteors, and the sun burning out.
• A 5-year-old who is both interested in and terrified of diseases and asks, How did the first disease get in the world?
• A child who was terrified of television until the age of 6 because the themes and sounds were just too much for his little body to handle.
• A 6-year-old who annoys everyone while watching television because he points out every logical impossibility.

Parenting asynchronous children

Parenting asynchronous kids can be challenging for a number of reasons, including:

• You never know what age you’re going to get in a given situation. On any given day, I experience a plethora of ages from my son and it can change from minute to minute. We can have an amazing, mature, and thought-provoking conversation one minute and then in the next moment he can throw a fit to rival that of any 2-year-old.
• You must deal with expectations and judgment from others.
• When your 5-year-old converses like a 15-year-old, folks often expect more of him. The reality is, he’s still very much five and that can be difficult for others to wrap their mind around. Teachers, coaches, and other individuals may mistakenly expect more out of your precocious little one.
• You find yourself constantly explaining this child to others, and you are relentlessly advocating for his needs. It can be challenging to find friends, activities, books, media, etc. that meet your child’s unique needs.

Educating the asynchronous learner

Educating a gifted, asynchronous child can be extremely challenging. Our son attended kindergarten at our public elementary school. One might think that a gifted kiddo would coast through a 1/2-day kindergarten program, but nothing could be farther from the truth. The reality is, he floundered. As the pile of nuisance behavior reports increased in height, so too did his dislike for school. My little guy would climb into my car each afternoon, grim-faced and exhausted, and ask me, “Do I have to go to school tomorrow?”

Sadly, many educators receive little to no gifted training, and many more mistakenly equate giftedness with achievement. In kindergarten, our son would read Harry Potter and The Hobbit on the bus ride to school, however, in his reading group he would barely answer comprehension questions. Why? He hated the books and was not interested. Giftedness and achievement are two separate entities. Our son had little desire to please his teacher, he just wanted to read great books. When I asked for more challenging reading material for him, I was repeatedly told that while he might be reading big books, he certainly couldn’t be comprehending them.

We had our little guy assessed in May of that dreadful kindergarten year. Results indicated that his cognitive abilities were above the 99.9th percentile and his academic skills were two to six years above the kindergarten level. No wonder he was so frustrated and grim-faced at the end of his day.

Here is a snapshot of our son’s asynchrony as a kindergartener:

• Chronologically, he was 6-years-old and he looked like your average 6-year-old.
• Cognitively, his skills were like those of someone more than twice his age.
• Socially and emotionally, he was functioning at the level of a 5- or 6-year-old.
• His reading skills were like those of a late middle schooler/early high school and growing by the day.
• His writing skills were at the second-grade level.
• His math skills were at a mid-3rd-grade level.

When the results came in, I knew in my heart that his needs could never be met well in a k-3rd grade elementary school building. No wonder the poor kid was miserable in kindergarten: he was wholly misunderstood at just five years of age.

As a school psychologist and product of public education, homeschooling was never on my radar. In reading about this population and after talking with the psychologist who performed our son’s evaluation, homeschooling seemed to be our best option and so I jumped in headfirst. It has been the most unexpected, life-altering, and wonderful decision, folks!

I have learned that homeschooling is a wonderful approach for many children, including the outliers like my son. Homeschooling allows for flexibility and nothing can beat the 1:1, individualized support!

Here are some things to consider when homeschooling a gifted, asynchronous learner:

• Steer clear from boxed curriculum. Asynchronous learners are often functioning on very different grade levels depending on the skill and you’ll need something more flexible.
• Gifted children have little patience for repetition of material. It’s okay to coast through the material if the child is understanding it.
• At first, when faced with challenging material, your gifted child may balk. This is normal. Just think: this is probably the first time your child has met with a challenge. It’s new and maybe a little scary. Baby steps.
• Allow your child to pursue his or her passions. Do not worry about grade levels. Allow your child soar!
• Educating these children can be costly as they tend to fly through the material. Make the most of the free options available to you, and don’t forget how much learning can occur with just your library card alone! When purchasing material for your child, try to look for options that allow for a self/fast pace and acceleration.
• Gifted children need intellectual peers. This can be tricky, but try to find a community for your child. Your child needs to feel that acceptance from others who truly understand him.

A final word

There are so many gifted myths floating around out there and I wish I could erase every last one. I wish more folks could begin to understand giftedness as asynchrony. If you are the parent of a gifted, asynchronous child, please know this: You are not alone.

My son is a funny, brilliant, creative, energetic, frustrating, demanding, and exhausting little person. He is a joy to raise, however, parenting him has been the greatest challenge of my life. Over the years, it has gotten easier, but it’s never been easy. He has taught me so much over the past eight-plus years including patience, understanding, grace, and humility. He is my wisest teacher and for that, I am forever grateful.

Are you parenting a gifted, asynchronous child? Share your story here!